Hold On
by freefairies
Summary: One night Steve got a message from a person he wasn't ready to face. What happens if that message is what makes or breaks the future? Can Steve save Tony on time? Or will he be too late? (WARNING: SUICIDE ATTEMPT)


Warning: this chapter may trigger people who can't handle: any type of **_Suicide Attempt. Do Not Read if you can't handle it._**

**_(More A/N at the end of the story)_**

**_Song: Hold On by Chord Overstreet & Ghost by Bad-flower. Listen to this song while reading the story._**

_Hold On_

Steve Rogers was a lot of things, but he knew that he wasn't perfect. He knew that he fucked up. He didn't mean to push Tony away, but he did. He push him away and he felt like he didn't deserve him. He didn't deserve Tony Stark's love and attention. So, he never went back. It's been two long years since the little Civil War that they had. They pain in the other man's eyes when he realize that he lied to him. He broke his trust and Steve wish anything to take that back. It's too late. When they were finally able to come back, he couldn't go back to him. He couldn't handle being in this same room as him without wanting to hold him and kiss him. Steve Rogers, Captain America, didn't deserve his team back. So, he didn't go back to being an Avenger.

But before he leave, he needed to see him one more time, he needed to tell him that he will never stop love him. He looks at the flip phone and that one number. He so badly want to call him. He shook his head and close the phone. He place it on the table that was beside his bed of his small apartment in Brooklyn. He lay down and stare at the ceiling. God, he misses Tony so much that it hurts. He suffer two long years with negative thoughts and he can't handle the thought of the man who he believes is his soulmate.

He closes his eyes for a short moment until a ringtone bing into the empty sound of the room. Steve eyes snapped when he realize that it was the flip phone. He quickly grabbed it and saw a long text from the man that got away.

_Steve,_

_I know that the last couple of years has been rough between us, it has for me. I know that I made so many mistake and it pains me that you left. Everyone is gone, Steve. No one came back and I feel more alone than ever. I miss our family. I just want everything to go back before two years ago. I miss you so much but I don't deserve you. I don't deserve any of you. I felt what love was and happiness with the Avengers but you are all gone and I feel so alone. I can't handle this anymore, Steve. You aren't coming back. I was waiting, but you didn't come back. It's all my fault. Everything. I been trying to stay strong for so many years but I'm so tired. I'm so tired of staying strong. No one needs me anymore. I know I have my company, but Pepper could handle it. I can't do this anymore. I'm never going to get my family back. I can't sleep anymore. I can't eat. I can't _**_breathe_**_. Pepper is gone and Rhodey isn't here anymore. Everyone is gone and all I hear is these voices in my head. Peter will be okay without me. You will be okay without me. I am done. Thank you for being my friend. It's time for me to finally be free from this nightmare. I love you, Steve. I never stopped. _

_-Tony._

Steve's mind kept re-reading the text, he felt the wetness on his cheeks. He is trying to not think of the meaning of this text but he had a bad feeling.

The soldier looks at the link at the end of the text. He grabbed his smartphone that Shield gave him and copy the link into the internet browser. It took to a song on Youtube. _Ghost by Badflower._ Huh. He click on the video while re-reading the text. The music started playing.

Steve carefully listen to the lyrics of the song while he close his eyes. Trying to find a hidden message that Tony could possibly send.

**_(play Ghost by Badflower here)_**

_I tried it once before but I didn't get too far_

_I felt a lot of pain but it didn't stop my heart_

_And all I really wanted was someone to give a little fuck_

_But I waited there forever and nobody even looked up_

The lyrics was painful for Steve to hear. What does this mean? Is Tony saying that no one cares about him?

_I tried it once before and I think I might have messed up_

_I struggled with the veins and I guess I didn't bleed enough_

_But maybe I'm alive because I didn't really wanna die_

_But nothing very special ever happens in my life_

This isn't what Steve think it is… right? Tony couldn't have possibly try to hurt himself to the point where he wanted to bleed to death? The thought of Tony going that low really made him sick. What happen in these last two years that made him send this?

_Take the blade away from me_

_I am a freak, I am afraid that_

_All the blood escaping me won't end the pain_

_And I'll be haunting all the lives that cared for me_

_I died to be the white ghost_

_Of the man that I was meant to be_

The sick feeling never went away as Steve felt his eyes getting watery again. He started thinking the worst possible thought of this. He picture a broken Tony, bleeding everywhere.

_I tried it like before and this time I made a deep cut_

_I thought about my friends and the way I didn't give enough_

_And I should have told my mother 'mom, I love you' like a good son_

_But this life is overwhelming and I'm ready for the next one_

"God, please don't make this true. Please don't tell me that Tony wants… please." Steve whispers to himself as he felt his whole body shaking and his tears falling down like waterfalls.

_Take the blade away from me_

_I am a freak, I am afraid that_

_All the blood escaping me won't end the pain_

_And I'll be haunting all the lives that cared for me_

_I died to be the white ghost_

_Of the man that I was meant to be, yeah_

Those were the lyrics that might actually haunt him if his thoughts were true. God, he is praying that it isn't.

_I tried it once again and I think I might black out_

_I should have left a letter but I had nothing to write about_

_My blood is all around me, I get dizzy if I stand up_

_The cutting part was easy but regretting it is so fucked_

Steve once again open his eyes and re-read the text that Tony has sent him.

_Take the blade away from me_

_I am a freak, I am afraid that_

_All the blood escaping me won't end the pain_

_And I'll be haunting all the lives that cared for me_

_I died to be the white ghost_

_Of the man that I was meant to be, yeah_

The more he read the text, the more his fear was coming true. It was 2 in the morning. He knew that Tony will be awake. He needs to call him. He quickly press the only number on the phone and hear the rings that felt like it has been going on forever. "Come on, Tony.. Pick up. Please pick up." He whispers to himself with desperation in his voice. When Tony didn't answer, he didn't have choice but to go there himself. He quickly got out of bed and grabbed a jacket and keys to his bike. It will take him 20 mins to get to the tower if he was breaking some few laws.

_I tried it once again and I think I went too far_

_I cut a little deeper and the pressure stopped my heart_

_I couldn't tell my mother 'mom, I love you', I'm a bad son_

_This life is overwhelming and I'm ready for the next one_

When the song ended, Steve was already on his bike. He went full speed and praying to the Gods that he will make it on time. He tried to call Natasha but she didn't answer. He tried to call anyone that would be close to the Tower but no one is answering. He was starting to get pissed off. He focus his attention on the drive, trying not to picture a dying Tony.

—

28 minutes later, Steve has finally arrive on what felt like forever ride to the Tower. He continues to pray to an unknown God that his gut feeling was wrong. Steve knocked on the door with all his might, "Tony! Open the door! I know that you are there!" The man try to keep his Captain America voice, but it's slipping.

"God… Friday? Open the door!"

There was no sound of the AI. There was no light in the tower.

Steve was already shaking at his thoughts, the image of a bleeding Tony. The heartbreak of the thoughts he is getting. He doesn't know what he would do if he loses Tony like this. He looks around and grab a big rock from the flowers. He threw the rock gently, breaking the glass door. It was open and he ran in. Taking the stairs to the other man floor with his phone in his ear, trying to reach out for someone. He can't get a hold of Pepper.

**_(play Hold On by Chord Overstreet here)_**

He can't get a hold of Peter. Why the fuck can't someone answer him? He needs them here. He desperately needs them.

As soon as he made it to the floor, he instantly check his lab to only find it dark and empty. Tears were already falling down his face and he started to feel the panic coming. He stops and try to calm himself down by closing his eyes and evenly his breaths. As soon as he calm down, Steve automatically called out his man's name.

"Tony! God, damnit, Tony please say something!"

No answer. Nothing. It was too quiet. It's starting to feel cold, no one was here. He look everywhere for his Tony, but luck has left him. Then his mind went to the one place he haven't check.

The soldier quickly ran to Tony's bedroom, he looked around and saw nothing but the light to the bathroom.

_You locked yourself in the bathroom_

Steve slowly walk to the bathroom and tried to open the door but It was lock. "Tony! Open the door. Please!" There was still no sound. No answer. Steve couldn't handle anymore and breaks the door knob. It finally open. He slowly opens it and what he saw was worst than his nightmares.

_Lying on the floor when I break through_

A lifeless Tony was leaning on the wall, while he was laying on the floor. Deep red blood all over the floor and his arms. A single blade on the floor. Steve choked on his tears and quickly went forward to the broken man.

_I pull you in to feel your heartbeat_

"No, no, no.. Tony… No.." He cried out as he pulled his man close to him. He clingy onto the man while all his blood was on him. He cried out as he put his ear onto his heart, he desperately needed to hear his heart beat. He needed to know that he wasn't too late to save him. He should have been here. He shouldn't have left him alone just because he was afraid. He could have save him from this. Why the fuck was no one here?

"Steve….?" A small voice came from the body, Steve eyes widen and look at him. Tony's eyes was barely open.

"You are okay. We are going to get you help. Friday seem to be offline. I am here, Tony. Please, don't close your eyes."

Tony looked at him, blindly, and smiles softly. "You came back to me. It's okay… I'm finally free, Steve. I'm going to see my mom. Tell her that I love her like a good son."

Steve sobbed and shakes his eyes, he felt his eyes burning as he couldn't look away. Tony eyes kept closing and reopening. Never looking away from the Captain. "Tony.. We need to go. You will be okay. No more of this talk, okay? I won't leave."

Tony breathing was getting softer and shorter and shakes his eyes as much as he can and try to pull Steve when the other man try to pick him up. "Steve.. I am tired. I am so tired, but none of this is your fault. It's mine. All mine. I love you, Steve Rogers. I always have and always will. It's time for me to go to sleep, okay?"

"No! You won't close your eyes on me, Tony! You need to keep fighting! I love you too. I love you so much and you can't leave me. You can't, Tony. We could get married and adopt a child. We could build a family, Tony.."

"You don't mean….. that…."

"I do. I want that.. We are meant to be." Steve cries out as he saw Tony open his eyes to look at him.

Tony gave him a small smile, "Meant to be…" He drain that out as his breath stop and his eyes are closed. They didn't reopen again and his body stop moving.

"Tony..? Tony!" Steve gently shake him to make him up. He cries was louder than ever. He couldn't feel his heart beat anymore. Steve buried his face into Tony's neck and cried.

_Can you hear me screaming 'Please don't leave me'_

"Please don't leave me.. I need you, Tony! I need you to come back to me! You hear me? I need you.. I can't live without you. I should have been here with you."

Steve quickly grab Tony and lay him down on the floor. He quickly dialed 911 on his phone as put it on speaker as he began to do CPR.

"911, what's your emergency?"

"He isn't breathing. This is Steve Rogers. Tony Stark isn't breathing. Get someone here right now! We are at the Stark Tower on the 15 floor. We are in the bedroom where the door is open."

"They are 2 minutes away. Can you tell me what happen?"

Steve eyes never looked away from Tony. He was so desperate.

"He slit his wrist. Both of them. Blood everywhere. He tried to kill himself and he isn't breathing anymore! I am doing CPR. His heart stop 2 minutes ago."

"Okay. Keep doing what you are doing. Is anyone else there?"

"No! No one is fucking here!"

"Sir, I need you to be calm. They are on their way upstairs."

As cue, he heard the men and women rushing into the room. He was being pulled away as his whole world became slow. He watches slowly when the man shocked his lover. They were speaking, Steve didn't hear a word. He looks around and saw a woman trying to speak to him but all he sees was blood. He looks down at his hands and closes. He was cover in blood. Tony's blood. He felt his body shaking and the shock as finally came to him.

_Hold on, I still want you_

_Come back, I still need you_

_Let me take your hand, I'll make it right_

_I swear to love you all my life_

_Hold on, I still need you_

"We got a heartbeat!"

**_A/N: um… so… yeah. This was suppose to be a one-shot with a not so happy ending, but I was crying so much while writing this that I couldn't bring myself to end it like this._**

**_Suicide is serious. If you feel like you have nothing to live for, you do. You are strong and you are here for a reason. Depression and all other mental illness is so serious that it hurts that some people don't take it serious. I was going to end this story with Tony being a unlucky one because it happens. This was Steve's point of view. I had suicidal thoughts these last couple weeks and I fight myself because even though a part of me want to sleep and never wake up, another part of me want to keep going. I feel alone, but I kept going because I know that one day, I will be okay. You will be okay. _**

**_If you have any of these feelings, please reach out. Reach out to someone you trust or hell, reach out to me! I will listen and be there for you. You could message me here or on Instagram ( freefairies)_**

******_Or if you don't want to talk to anyone that knows you, please call the _**_National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255_

**_You don't need to say your name and they will listen 24/7. It will get better. It always rain before the rainbow shines. I love you all. Stay Strong, my babies._**


End file.
